Decoding Womanese: Understanding and Speaking the Hidden Language of Women
Gentlemen, I have concluded that women desire THREE men. One is the man for her heart, another is the man for her words, and the third is the man in her arms!
Likewise, the cryptic code of Womanese, whose very utterance causes men to pace nervously and shakes the foundations of language, divides into three splinters: The first splinter is words she SAYS she has, the second is words she THINKS she has, and the third is words for why she ACTUALLY does it.
Therefore, we must look at Womanese in these three ways. BOLD will be what the woman is saying. REGULAR TEXT will be what the Translator is saying. ITALICS will be what Da Pooky is saying.
Do you have a girlfriend? You are CUTE! Are you on the market?
You are certainly attentive tonight! Is sex ALL you think about?
Do you love me? Watch me ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something you are NOT going to like.
We need to communicate better. You need to agree with me more. Smile, nod head, repeat.
I donāt want to ruin our friendship! Let me continue to tell you about all the guys Iām sleeping with.
WOMEN are the reason why Nice Guys canāt get laid.
I want HONESTY. No games! Tell me what I want to hear.
I would rather focus on my career. Focusing on something as boring and dull as her career is MORE FULFILLING than youāll ever be.
Do what you want. Youāll pay for it later.
I donāt remember how much it costs. Iāll never tell you it cost a fortune.
Letās paint the room! You paint the room, Iām going shopping. Oh, and donāt make a mess.
Uh huh Oh, did you say something? Whatever it was, it must not have been important.
No, takeout is fine for dinner. You cheap bastard!
I want a stable future. I need to marry a sugar daddy!
You wouldnāt understand. I donāt even understand, but Iām not going to tell you that. Hell, we ALL donāt understand.
My screen name is JennySmalt I have nothing to hide. There is nothing exciting about me.
My screen name is DoItToMeNow6969696969 If you need this explained, you arenāt a guy.
OK Mr. AFC. Since you cannot get this (and thus have no chance of becoming a guy), girlproblems.com is your home.
So why did you and your ex break up? What is wrong with you?
Because I was Mr. Nice Guy who skipped around in fantasy land and... No, donāt tell her. Say āI dunno!ā
This guy was STARING at me today. He then came over and asked me out... She wants YOU to ask her out RIGHT NOW!
It seems she is talking about other guys, but she is actually trying to convey that she is beautiful and desirable. She wants you to see that because she wants you to ask her out NOW.
What do you think of [insert girlās name]? What do you think about that girl [insert another girlās name]? Do I have competition?
I donāt want a boyfriend now. I donāt want YOU as my boyfriend.
EVERY woman is on the lookout for a man. Itās a life purpose.
I donāt know. What do YOU want to do? I canāt BELIEVE you have nothing planned. No, you are absolutely dead in the water. Congratulations, flotsam!
Iām picky! There are no dating prospects here!
Iām VERY picky! Iām a religious virgin girl, still under the umbrella of her parents, and demand perfection. Can we say āunrealistic expectationsā?
Maybe [insert old woman] thought you were hot! You are what is hot. Women are not direct. They project their thoughts through a prop. In this case, the old lady is the prop.
Come here! My puppy dog does this too! And her attention scraps are āNice Guy Chow.ā
This apartment is SO inconvenient! I want a new apartment. And I want a new girlfriend! I want new furniture. I want new furniture, carpeting, curtains, wallpaper...
I heard a noise! I noticed you were asleep. Be careful she doesnāt take your covers when she gets back!
Iāll be ready in a minute. Sit back, kick off the shoes, and find a good show.
My ex... Iām still in love with my ex-boyfriend. NEXT!
I like you, but... I donāt like you.
It is a āGirlās Nightā tonight! Weāre going to get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends. And how does this differ from any other night of the week?
Itās OK Itās NOT OK. YOUāRE not OK.
I need space. ...without YOU in it.
I AM NOT YELLING! This is important. When is it NOT important?
Nothing is wrong. Everything is wrong. YOU are whatās wrong.
I DONāT want to talk about it! Iām still building evidence against you! The volcano is building, ready to erupt with rhetorical smoke and vomit lava-like lies. Flee!
Iām an artist! Iām unreliable! And Iām poor.
Iām affectionate! Iām possessive! And youāll always be seen as cheating!
Iām an adventurer. Iāve had more lovers than you can imagine. And you get the baggage of her past!
Iām seeking friends first. Iām trying to live down my reputation as a slut. See the āadventurerā translation.
Iām mature. I wonāt let you treat me like a farm animal in bed like my last boyfriend. MOO!
Iām open-minded and outgoing. I am desperate and loud.
Sheās a NICE GIRL. Hah! Are you GAY? Why wonāt you go out with me or anyone?
The highest compliment a man can receive. All women are interested in you, and YOU get to pick.
Yet, translating Womanese IS NOT ENOUGH. We must be able to speak it back.
Speaking the Womanese For this, BOLD will be what YOU say. Italics will be what is ACTUALLY said while regular text will be the narration.
For example, if an UG is chasing you, say: I am not looking for a relationship right now. ...which means... I am not looking for a relationship WITH YOU!
She will get the hint and drop off her pursuit. If she persists, I think of you as a sister! ...meaning... I find sex with you as revolting as incest.
Just change the phrasing and you can deliver the Womanese straight back at them. But be warned, if you say: I am not looking for a girlfriend. ...which means... I do not want YOU as my girlfriend.
Women will realize that you are subtly rejecting them and they will all gang together and try to break you (provided you are attractive. You are doing the rest of the Don Juan stuff, right?). Men would just be sad and go on. But women understand their own language and accept that as a challenge.
If you are a player, you do not say, āI am a player.ā No, you say: I like to meet new people and explore the adventures of life. Translated into Womanese, this means... I like to date/sleep with many since it is part of the fun of life!
See how it works?
I think you should just embrace the pleasures that life has. You should embrace your passion with ME.
One chick kept going after me, and I ignored her (haha). A dork came and talked to us and left. So I said, Maybe he thought you were hot! ...which means... You are what is hot.
Her exact reply: āWhy thank you, Pook!ā (This is not a joke. Womanese is a real language and they do speak it. For fun, try speaking it back to them!)
Ahh, another Womanese lesson over. A job well done, Mr. Translator. Youāre welcome, Pook.
And remember that the best guide is your GUT!
Written by Pook at SoSuave forum
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