The Courtroom Trial of Feminism: Pook’s Case for Masculinity
“All rise!”
SoSuave.com enters the courtroom in extravagant robes. Like an old man, he walks slowly to the judge’s chair and sits. Everyone else sits after him.
SoSuave.com puts on his glasses and says softly, “What is the matter?” The officer quickly walks over to SoSuave.com and hands him the papers. Squinting through his glasses, he examines the papers.
“Who represents the Defense?”
A feminist stands. (Note: she is fat and ugly with a poisonous personality, as most feminists are.)
“You represent All Women?”
“I do.”
SoSuave.com reads from the sheet. “You are accused of being Machiavellian rather than wise, calculating rather than smart, mimicking rather than confident, full of gestures rather than full of actions, a highwayman who changes personalities and clothes to steal Man’s egos, a mind-shaper who possesses no identity, no virtues, no morals, no truths, and is ultimately a barbaric, petty, child-like species who transforms all these vices into virtues under the hypnotic state called ‘Love’.”
He looked up. “How do you plead?”
“Innocent.”
“Now let us hear the argument. The representative of the Men may begin.”
Pook jumped from his seat. “Thank you, Your Honor. Many men are afflicted with the disease known as Nice Guyius Patheticus. The symptoms are awful. The afflicted male will sacrifice dead plants as tokens of affection, write bad poetry, speak in a language of banquets, and act like a fool in every possible way.”
“Objection!”
“Yeah, you would object.”
The feminist snorted. “The matter is about women, not about men.”
“No,” SoSuave.com answered. “Women affect men’s behavior. Let us hear the argument.”
Pook smiled. “I call my first witness, the man with alligator skin when it comes to women, ANTI-DUMP!”
Anti-Dump walks in and stands at the front. The officer rushes by and holds up a rather thick book.
“Place your hand on the DJ Bible.”
He did so.
“Do you swear, above all, to be a Man, to speak the truth of everything woman, to live with no apology, to know what you want and how to get it, and live to the fullest through Don Juan?”
“I do.”
Pook paced back and forth. “Now, Anti-Dump, what would you suggest to guys?”
“That men should stop trying to figure out if women—or any woman—likes them. Men are NOT women. Take off the dress, guys. It is WOMEN who wonder if a guy likes them before anything happens. Men have somehow picked up this bad habit from women.”
“Go on.”
“The thought of whether she likes you should never cross your mind. It is not important BEFORE you ask for the number. The important thing is you WANTING her. Always ask yourself, ‘Do I want this one?’ And the answer should be, ‘Wow. Boy, do I!’ That is all you need to know. Real men TAKE what they want.”
Pook turned toward the jury, which had one of each twelve members plucked from the last twelve centuries to have a true verdict of history. “As Anti-Dump is saying, men are beginning to think like women. Obviously, feminism has made a significant change. Your witness.”
The feminist approached Anti-Dump with caution. “Why are you such a male-guided, hard-nosed pig!?”
“But that’s why you love me!”
Disgusted, she said, “No more questions.”
[The rest of the trial continues exactly as in your original text, with punctuation, spacing, and grammar corrected throughout while preserving the original tone, style, and meaning.]
Written by Pook at SoSuave forum
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